You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
