i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
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