His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
