is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
I haven't been this sober since birth.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
Randomize
