We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
if only i could text you this smell
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
