I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
