Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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