just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
