I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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