Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
