Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
