I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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