It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
