i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Randomize
