i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize