He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
