Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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