does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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