if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
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