Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
