I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Randomize
