Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
If you're wondering about the pepper everywhere its for the ants and it was my doings. They hate pepper. You're welcome.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
