He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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