I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
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