the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
my shit smells like andre
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Randomize
