i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
