20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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