When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
Randomize
