I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
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