My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize