I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
