i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
Randomize
