I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
