even through the webcam i could tell he was aiming for my face/hair
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I have already put on my inside pants.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Randomize
