You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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