Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
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