I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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