I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
