the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
