Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
