Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
