Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
