every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
