Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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