in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I can't trust your balls anymore.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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