I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
