peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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