can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Randomize
