The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
Randomize
