I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
