Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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