I'm gonna have a badass scar
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
3 2 1 whiskey
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
