it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
