She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Randomize
