I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
