I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
