I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Randomize
