I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
