You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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