i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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