Fine. I'll sleep in my office
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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