nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
