His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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