Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Randomize
