you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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