I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
splinters make it hard to masturbate
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize