I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
