I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Randomize