Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize