I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize