Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
pop tarts are not kleenex
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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